My new life is weird. I still don’t have a grasp on the daily routines. Everything is just so different and just plain odd. I don’t have a strict med schedule for Ryder (w/ 13+ meds 1-3x’s a day). I’m not dealing with feeding pumps, hours of therapy, doctors appointments, hospital stays, vomiting and tons of refills to order and fight with insurance about not paying for the necessities. I am not keeping constant records to follow Ry’s health and stay on top of illnesses. My brain doesn’t run thousands of miles a minute searching for answers to everything anymore. My old life died right along with Ryder.
As of yesterday, I am now a dark brunette with purple streaks in my hair! Lol -the old me wouldn’t have dyed my hair with purple, but I always wanted to! I LOVE it!!! I’m also meeting with a tattoo artist at the end of the month. For sure something the old me would never -ever even consider! I feel fearless now!! Not reckless, but fearless. What’s the worst that can happen to me now- I join Ryder in Heaven? Again, I’m not acting or living recklessly at all. For example, one of my biggest fears before was driving by water or high in the mountains on winding roads. It was an irrational fear, but I was always scared and imagined all possible accidents. Chad from Copperstate Fourwheelers held an awesome off-road run for Ryder. I had a BLAST and wasn’t scared in the slightest- not even once! The old me would have drugged myself with Dramamine so I wouldn’t have a panic attack. (Ryder’s Run is a whole separate blog post I’m working on). I also started cooking again—we all know how fearless that is for me (okay maybe unintentionally reckless also!)
After my first good night sleep, I actually woke up refreshed and happy. It was a great feeling. I woke up early, had some coffee and a 5 hour energy drink (big mistake, but something I used to do in nursing school daily!) I was in a cleaning mood so I threw on my headphones, grabbed the carpet cleaner and rocked out while shampooing the carpet (my favorite chore). It was fun dancing and singing and sucking up nasty carpet dirt. I was happy. And then—I wasn’t. I broke down bawling just like that. I turned off the machine, sat down and had a good 5 minute cry. After that I was back to cleaning and feeling good. Next chore was to clean the front room. I began sorting through the toys. I didn’t plan on getting rid of any toys, but even sorting through the toys made me nauseas. I thought I was going to vomit just putting Ry’s toys into different baskets. I decided to go outside and listen to the birds chirp and look at the newly planted tree in remembrance of Ryder’s life. It was peaceful and beautiful, which lead me to cry again. Even though peaceful is nice some times, my old life was not peaceful-ever. I am learning to just be at peace every once in awhile. The quiet is not peaceful for me yet, it’s just depressing.
I went back inside to rock out some more while doing laundry this time. I finished the dishes, cleaned the bathrooms and the house was finally looking good again. As I was putting the laundry away I noticed one white, dirty bottom stained, lone little sock. Ryder obviously wore that one a lot! He probably wore it outside while riding his bike around and around the patio table. It was most likely dirty because Les (of course-lol) didn’t put on his shoes that day! The tears poured again. What was I going to do with one sock? I can’t keep everything. I tossed the sock in the trash. My heart sank and that nauseous feeling came back. It was time to go pick up the boys from school so I grabbed my keys and left with a heavy heart and upset stomach. I picked up the kiddos and played a game with them when we got home, still feeling awful. I checked my email and facebook and read an apology message from another grieving Mama. She had made a comment about how she still had dirty socks in the bottom of her hamper after months of her child’s passing. She thought the message offended me since I threw the sock away. I immediately went and took the sock out of the trash. I felt instant relief. My heart wasn’t heavy anymore. I also didn’t feel weird anymore about keeping one single stained sock. I decided I WILL keep every little thing. I need to not rush myself. Maybe someday that little sock will find a new purpose, or end up back in the trash, but for now it is tucked safely away back in his drawer.