I am writing just because I haven’t written for awhile. I’m trying to get a feel for it again, but I’m not sure I have anything inspiring to say.
Time keeps ticking on after you lose a loved one, but my mind has yet to truly come to grips with reality. I know Ryder died. He is gone forever in this lifetime. I understand this, but for some reason every single morning, right when I wake up, I have a beautiful 2-3 minutes as I become alert and oriented to the new day. I don’t think of anything in particular. I stretch and adjust to the light shining in through the blinds. The world is right for a short moment. Then, I feel Button (Ryder’s teddy bear or Patches –bear made from his clothes) in my arms. I feel the quilt my friend made for me from Ryder’s clothes as well. I sit up and reality hits me—most mornings punches me with the fact that Ryder is not here again today and never will be again….in this lifetime.
I find myself wanting to sleep in more each day, maybe so I don’t have this harsh attack hit me or maybe because I can’t seem to find any meaning in life now. Yes, I have many blessings still. I cherish my amazing husband and sons Tyler and Noah so very much. They are why I do manage to wake up. However, depression weighs heavy on my heart and I battle it with courage all day long until I can take pills that let me rest at night and get me through to the 2-3 beautiful moments the next morning.
I am not giving up—and I never will. I just have a difficult battle at hand. Today marks the 5th month without Ryder. The 22nd of the month (day Ryder passed on) likes to fall on me with a ton of bricks. I’m starting to prepare earlier for this reaction so it isn’t quite as heavy. In the last few months I’ve tried to discover the new me. I spent over 2 weeks in Chicago, Minnesota and Wisconsin with friends and family. It was a wonderful healing time for me! Besides catching up with Cassidy and spending precious few and far between time with Les’ family, I witnessed a miracle! My sister in law, Amber had her son Gunnar and I was in the room. I experienced pure joy, amazement and love. Amber delivered Gunnar at a birthing center, with a mid-wife all natural. Ummmm---besides the crazy strength of delivering a child naturally (which she has done 4x’s now!) Amber inspires me greatly! She just graduated with a Bachelors degree in nursing. Even though she was a teen mom and all odds were against her, she won and came out on top! I’m so proud of her and my brother-in-law, Brent, who supported her and 3 kids while she was in school! So after that experience I thought being a mid-wife would be my new life’s purpose. I had said I didn’t want to be a nurse anymore for the past several months, but got a phone call while in Minnesota that 1 more opening was saved for me in the 3rd block. I called Les and talked to my in-laws. I decided to go back to school. I wasn’t overly excited, but since I was half way done I thought I’d just finish the program. I went to the all day orientation, got my tb test—again ($35 later!) and aced my math test. I still wasn’t feeling it, but ready to get out of bed with a purpose. The first 15mins of the first day of lab skills let me know for sure I am not meant to be a nurse. I had a meltdown! We were learning about how to give IV’s to children. When I was trying very hard not to think about all Ryder’s IV’s, I was upset with how they were teaching future nurses how to give IV’s!!! I believe nursing is a good career, but good nurses have sympathy, think outside the box and go above and beyond what they are taught. I really think I would have been a great nurse! I don’t however think most doctors would have liked me, nor the teacher’s in the nursing program lol! I can’t be around illness and pain the rest of my life. I thought about being a Child Life Specialist also—which seems perfect. However, there are no CLS in Flagstaff, which is where we are moving in June. I know someday I’ll find my new calling. I need to practice patience’s within myself until then.
I didn’t pause to mention earlier that 3 days before I went back to school I had surgery. Nothing serious, but very painful I’m discovering!! I got a bladder sling placed. Three kids plus a hysterectomy= weak bladder! It is a 1 week no driving or work time; 2 weeks expected pain and 2 month full recovery time w/o lifting more than 10lbs. I rushed classes. I didn’t take pain meds so I could drive and I suffered through it. Of course I ended up with a UTI and continue to be in pain (it’s still been less than 2 weeks though). I get bored so easy and hate lying around. I feel useless!
The rest of the family seems to be getting in a new normal routine. We go to grief counseling 2x a week. The boys really look forward to it and it seems to be doing wonders for them. Les and I go for the boys. Most people in the group have lost a parent, spouse or grandparent. I am not minimizing their pain at all, but I feel a child is in a totally different category. I am considering counseling for myself, but haven’t decided yet. The boys are doing well in school again. There have been rough days, but it’s to be expected with all they have been through. We are spending a lot of quality time with them as we understand the importance of each moment in life.
Les works hard each day to serve his students and schools. He is so amazing! I know he is grieving too, but he manages to support me through my grief. Not only does he work hard as a liaison for special needs teens, but he is writing business plans, perfecting details, and talking to everyone he can to open Light Horse Bicycle Company. We have been in Flagstaff every chance we get to scout for the perfect location for our bike shop. I think we found one, but I’m trying not to get my hopes up. To top it off, the first thing I noticed pulling into this property for the tour was a huge dragonfly ornament hanging in the back of the property! If you’ve followed this blog you will understand the significance. We are searching for financing possibilities as we are very limited now. We are looking for someone to buy this perfect location (reasonably priced land, plus 2 stand alone commercial buildings—one being leased for $500 already and a cute 4 bedroom house w/storage shed in a prime location!) and willing to lease to own for us. If you or anyone you know is willing and able to make this risk free investment in us PLEASE contact me!! 480-600-5461
Does anyone have ideas for me to possibly pursue in the future? I don’t want the medical field and I’m not so sure about going back into teaching. Any other ideas? I would love to support the bike shop 100%, but we need medical insurance.
Thank you so much for reading this blog. Although it was long, it felt good to write. xoxo