I didn’t want this life, it sure isn’t what I planned or dreamed of, but it is my life and I will LIVE it. I will use my gifts and I will give of myself. I will give to my husband, my sons, family, friends, community and world what I was born to give.
What that means, I’m still discovering everyday! I love to teach, create, sew, paint, write, laugh, read, learn, comfort, explore and be around people, mostly kids ;)
I have lived for 4 weeks and 1 day without my baby. Four weeks and 1 day of crying, screaming, smiling, remembering, thinking and praying about where to go from here. I still don’t know for sure. I am finally able to make commitments…..small ones, but I’m doing it!
My first outing since family and friends have left after Ryder’s celebration was to the Clayton’s. I planned on going myself the day before, but couldn’t even manage to get out of bed except to pick up the boys that day. I felt horrible. I am not one to cancel plans. After talking to Tammy, we decided to plan a family get together the next day. It was later and Les would drive me, so I had extra encouragement to leave the house (and my bed). Tammy has 2 beautiful children with Leukodystrophy and 3 other sons that we adore. I really liked being there. I was comforted by the wheelchairs, feeding pump, and constant need from kids. I felt normal again. It felt like home!
My second time out was to our first softball game of the season. Les and I play on a co-ed team. I haven’t played for almost 2 years due to nursing school and caring for Ryder. I was excited all day. I even bought new cleats, instead of my duck-taped ones from the last tournament I played in! When we got to the field early to practice, one of our teammates asked”Where are your kids, don’t you have like a ton of them?” Ugh….I smiled and said “our sons are playing over there.” It ruined my night. It wasn’t her fault obviously, she had no idea. It just reminded me of my new reality and how I will be asked questions like do you have kids, where do you work, and where do you live…easy topics that most new people ask. I can’t answer them flat out honest though without a long story. “Yes, I have 3 boys, but one is in Heaven, I was a teacher for 12 years, then started nursing school, but quite half way through to care for my son, now I’m just trying to get through each hour..How about you, what do you do? And of course… we live with my Mom. We couldn’t afford our house because I quite working to stay with Ryder and medical bills pile up quickly!” I think those answers would be too much for most people don’t you agree! Sometimes, I feel like I’m not sharing Ry’s life with others if I don’t tell people honest answers to what they ask, even if it is just a “filler” question when they could care less about the answers. I just have to learn to answer them depending on where I am and who asks. Anyways (back on track), after that innocent question I was a grumpster. I did okay during the game, being my first time playing in so long. I did sprain my finger----running---though!!!! Seriously, only I could hurt my finger running! It wasn’t my fault though. The short stop ran right in front of me while I was running full speed to 3rd base. It hurt so badly and I wanted to cry. I knew if I cried I wouldn’t stop, so I kept playing. At the end of the game I ran into an old friend. It was awesome to see her!!! She knew though. She knew I was trying to be normal and I was out of bed attempting to live. I teared up partly because my finger/hand was throbbing and partly because she understood how hard it was for me to be participating in life, but I held it together until I got home at least.
Now, I’m just living everyday with reminders all the time. I tell myself to get out of bed, to brush my teeth, shower, pick up the boys and help them with homework. I’m making progress- cleaning the house some, making appointments, calling friends and even volunteered at The Breast Cancer Society today. Small steps, but I’m living! I see signs of Ryder a lot. I really love when others share their signs of Ryder’s presence with me also (sunsets, dragonflies, memories). Can you believe my sister saw a GOLD dragonfly when she was having a rough day (not yellow—GOLD)??!! I wrote in a post a few weeks ago about seeing a gold dragonfly!
Yes, for all those wondering, I am taking care of myself. I went to the doctor who prescribed ambien to help me sleep. I tried it twice and it doesn’t work for me. I’ll fall asleep, but wake up 6-7 times anyways. I’m reading a little and exercising some daily. I eat when Les makes food—nothing new! I signed up to do the color run 5K in January with my sister! I also registered to be a bone marrow donor. Like I mentioned earlier, I got out of the house to volunteer today and plan on getting involved with spreading mitochondrial disorders and Leukodystrophy awareness. I’ve been attempting to write, but really am not inspired like I used to be. I make it a point to play a game and spend time with the boys every day. And I signed us up for grief counseling through The New Song Center. I’ll keep on chugging along—and hopefully find my new purpose someday soon.
Despite how hard it is for you, YOU are doing an amzaing job at "chugging along".
ReplyDelete((((hugs)))
Maybe it helps to know that you inspire me... I am hopeful that I can be as good and strong as you... for the one I lost already, and the one I have to watch go one day... I am mid-journey. I have fear and hurt and so many days I don't know what to do. I feel your pain. I care.
ReplyDeleteDenise, you have done it again! I'm a crying, smiling, laughing mess over here after reading this. You truly are an amazing person. I love you so much and feel so very blessed to call you my friend...and my daughter's Mommy 2! I am so glad that you and your family were able to make it over to our house. It has also been very healing for me and my boys, especially Jacob to spend time with all of you! Thank you so much for sharing yourself and your life with us. I'm excited to hear about the Color run. That looks like fun. I am going to be doing the 5K in March for the Ryan House with my sister. You guys should run that one with us too! You are awesome! Love you bunches!
ReplyDeleteDenise,
ReplyDeleteMy mother is a strong believer in animal spirits and because I noticed how you and your sister have seen gold dragonflies, I was curious and decided to look up the meaning of ‘dragonflies.’ So here is what I found and I thought this may be of interest to you:
* “The dragonfly spirit guide may be coming to you to teach you one or all of the following: skill, refinement, relentlessness, and/or creativity. Watch the dragonfly spirit guide in your dreams or simply watch the dragonfly on a video or in nature and observe their movements. They seem to never give up...never resting for more than a few seconds. They are relentless...maybe you need that characteristic to develop in your life right now. Maybe you've been stagnant and need some motivation to keep going. Whatever the dragonfly spirit guide is trying to tell you or guide you to, listen openly and carefully. Let the dragonfly spirit guide speak to you and maybe tell you of ways to improve your skills or creative abilities.
The dragonfly spirit guide is almost always in motion, so don't expect to sit on your butt and wait for its message. You might need to put yourself into motion to align with the dragonfly spirit guide. Then maybe his message will be clear to you.”
*“The main representations are renewal, positive force and power of life in general with a sense of self that comes with maturity. The dragonfly is a creature of the wind so it's only fitting that it represents change. They skitter across the water surface implying that our deeper thoughts are surfacing. We are reminded that when our deeper thoughts rise we must also pay close attention to what is deeper than what's on the surface.
The dragonfly's colors are a result of reflecting the power of light so they are associated with color magic or an illusion in causing others only to see what you want them to see. They remind us that we are made of light and we can reflect light in powerful ways if we choose to. They symbolize going past self-created illusions that limit our growing and changing and being a creature of water they carry a symbol of dreaming and thoughts.
The most popular answer of dragonfly symbolism is the sense of self that comes with maturity and there's a strong link to them and butterflies since they both represent change. Dragonflies are a creature that you learn to appreciate as you age and look more deeply at your life, which is where the link to change and self appreciation comes in. As we age we don't just see the surface of things, we start to pick apart our lives and see more meaning in things. No matter what symbol you see in the insect, the fact is that the dragonfly lives a short life and lives it's life to the fullest which is the strongest lesson we can learn from them overall."
--I think this is Ryder telling you that he wants you to live your life to the fullest :) From the most current blog you posted, I am so happy to hear that you are living life and becoming a 'new' person. This must be the 'change' and 'growth' reflected in the dragonfly spirit. I miss you all and am always thinking of you and your family!
-Stefanie