Wow has life changed so much this year! Tomorrow (June 22) marks the 10 month anniversary of Ryder joining the Lord. I debated continuing this blog, but I am really hoping to help those who are on my same path. A handful of you are dear friends and your children hold a piece of my heart as well. Even though our journeys will not be the exact same, I want to give you a glimpse inside my mind, maybe give you hope for a future beyond the unthinkable, and to understand we are connected and will always have an eternal bond. I will be here for you always.....whoever reads this--be it years from now...I am here for YOU!!
10 months.....wow. It is such a LONG, short time to be without my baby. The deep pain and heartache has changed in time.
In the beginning after Ryder died I was so numb. I wandered aimlessly, couldn't sit still for long, couldn't sleep, didn't want to talk to anyone, was annoyed with everyone and was in complete shock--denial. I could give a shit less about eating, bathing, getting out of bed.... or talking to anyone--nothing mattered.
Once Ryder's death hit me, it decided to come at me hard--throwing punches in my heart, my lungs, and deep in my soul. My sweet son was DEAD!!!! DEAD!!!!! His body was incinerated. He is not here. I can't hold him. I can't hear him. I can't see him. He is DEAD--ASHES!!! Yes this is graphic----but this is the ANGRY phase. MY BABY IS DEAD!!!! This is tough enough to write, and I'm sure tough to read, so I will not give the graphic visuals playing through my mind constantly during this time. I want these visions to stop. It is way to much, it hurts so bad......I want to die.......please let me die.
I'm physically and emotionally ill now. I don't shower...fuck it. I rarely get out of bed. I'm not being a good mother, wife, friend, sister, daughter---whatever--fuck you for trying to make me. I hate you. YOU don't get it. YOU haven't lost a child! YOU don't know my pain!!! Don't tell me what to do and don't tell me YOU are suffering as well for MY son. Fuck you!!!!!
I'm SOOOOOO sorry for my recent behavior!!!! I'm not myself....if fact, I don't know who I am anymore. I feel so weird, lost, alone! I NEVER cussed before...don't know where that came from! Thank YOU for loving me and loving Ryder!!!! Thank you for caring. I know YOU hurt for me.....YOU miss Ryder too!!!I'll get out of bed for Ty and Noah. I need help!!! I can't do this alone anymore. I'm dying inside and I don't want to......I need help.
It's been 7 months and I got help!!!!! I got help for myself, Tyler, Noah, Les and YOU!!!!!! Everyone was proud of me and amazed I asked for help after 7 short months. I think I CAN LIVE!!! It still feels kind of strange. I'm okay most days, but I still sink sometimes. I cry, sob, scream for you still. I miss you Ryder. BUT-- I don't want to die...... I WANT TO LIVE NOW___REALLY LIVE!!!! I want to dream big---and live my dreams!!!
Guess what Ryder? Because of you my little teacher, I AM LIVING---IN MY DREAMS!!!!! We have moved to a beautiful, dreamy location. Daddy has opened up a bicycle shop, and I just accepted my dream job of helping other special parents!!!!
I miss you little man. I love you. I think of you always. I'm inspired by you. I still ache for you. But, I have also decided to keep my promise to you....before you died, I told you "it's okay to go Ryder, Mommy will be okay." I will be okay sweetheart.
I always feel relief when I pray. I ask the Lord every night to hold me, so I can sleep. I ask Him to help me each day. I want to do His will. I CAN do this baby!!! It's hard.....it sucks, I'll always have an aching hole in my heart, but I will LIVE this life for you Ryder. I will make you smile as you made me smile for 3 years!!!
Until we meet again sunshine----continue showing me the way.