Sunday, August 3, 2014

Rock Bottom... but climbing up (Reason I've been MIA) part 1

So you may or may not have noticed that I have been MIA for a while. You may or may not have also noticed that my posts for several weeks prior were getting more and more somber…..
Here’s why. I spiraled quickly downhill the last 2-3 weeks and hit rock bottom last Sunday, July 27th. Anniversaries of Ryder’s 1st seizure & 911 call, quick regression, entering hospice, Make-A-Wish Day, 2 year angelversary, and birthday are all close together from July 25th- Sept 5th. I do have PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) and suffer from very vivid images and flashbacks of these events. My triggers are specific dates, numbers 22, 3, 8, 5, certain smells and certain places. On top of these approaching anniversaries, several more children that I love have passed away, I am sporadic with taking my anti-depressants, I haven’t been sleeping AND I decided to watch Heaven is for Real (excellent movie—just not excellent time to watch it.) So what have I been doing to cope with this all? DRINK….and DRINK and DRINK!! Basically, I have been numbing myself since Ryder passed away because it has been too painful for me to deal with. It was easy for me to convince myself I had it under control because I only drank at night time, I was completely functional, and I was being responsible in my mind because I would NEVER get behind the wheel even after 1 sip. So again how have I coped? I haven’t.
July 27th I started drinking early. We were planning on going fishing, but I backed out at the last minute so I can finish up the laundry and get ready for the busy week ahead. I cleaned, drank, looked at pictures of Ryder, drank, listened to sad music, drank, cleaned and drank---you get the idea. When the boys came home Noah went to his friends to spend the night and Les and Ty proceeded to the living room to watch boring tv shows that I had no interest in. I went to my room to look at more pictures and videos and just sunk deeper and deeper into a dark place in my mind. After a while, I went out to be with the boys again, but after seeing them comfortable and into the show I just decided to give them a kiss and tell them I was going to bed. I went to my bathroom (connected to my bedroom) and sat on the floor crying. I stared at the bottles of ambien and Xanax that I had sitting there. I knew alcohol is dangerous with both of those. I held them for maybe 5 minutes thinking….crying…. I put them down and decided to put on my butterfly pj bottoms, a cute little fake dragonfly tattoo Ty had given me, hold Ry’s teddy bear and blanket and then I went and sat for a bit in the bathroom again. I’ve been struggling with suicidal thoughts for a while and never acted on it. I have reached out for help several times before and just found myself feeling this way still…. I was permanently damaged in my mind and it wouldn’t get easier—EVER! I quickly swallowed both entire bottles of pills so I wouldn’t talk myself out of it like every time before…….. okay…I did it… it will end soon…..
WHAT DID I JUST DO?????? WHAT IN THE WORLD DID I DO????? I panicked, NO—I WANT TO LIVE….. I ran and got Les (life saving moment #1). The look on his face was something I never want to see (or cause) again. The pills quickly started taking affect. I remember Les calling 911 and trying to force me to throw up, sticking his finger in my mouth. That was all I remembered until waking up in the ICU Tuesday afternoon with a tube down my throat and my arms strapped down.
Filling in some of the details from Les’ account: it took about 10 minutes for the fire truck/ambulance to arrive and treat me. They were staged several houses down waiting for a sheriff’s deputy to arrive and give the okay (I guess that’s protocol for suicide attempts). Les dragged me to the ambulance and basically threw me in and backed away (knowing that was the only way to go against protocol). (Life saving moment #2- Les knew what to do being a former EMT/ firefighter). In the ER I guess Les would come check on me, but sat with Tyler in the waiting room. (Yes, my son witnessed a lot of this which is TERRIBLE!! No comments about this please- I feel bad enough and YES we are getting them support to process this as well). Les asked what the treatment plan in the ER was and he was told they would let me sleep it off thinking I just took a lot of Benadryl. (Life saving moment #3) SHE TOOK AMBIEN & XANAX!!!! I THINK THAT CHANGES THE TREATMENT PLAN!!!!!
Yep, it sure did. I had my stomach pumped. At some point I was intubated because I wasn’t handling other methods they attempted to support my breathing and I couldn’t breathe on my own. I was throwing up with the tube and was in distress trying to pull the tube out (Don’t remember this at all). They had to restrain my wrists to keep me safe and the tube in place…..

Okay guys…. I need to go to bed. I will continue this blog tomorrow. I don’t want to leave you worried—so know that I am okay. I am in a very healthy state of mind now, getting intensive treatment for PTSD, counseling, going to AA (sober road from here on out), and more----details tomorrow and safety/recovery plan. YOU can help me and I’ll tell you how….
I Must have an Angel watching over me and sure am grateful to be alive!